As the clock ticked past 9:30 this morning, I thought that in exactly one week I will be a mother. I am starting to get cold feet.
Now, you trolls of the world, don't go twisting that and attacking me for not wanting my baby. I love Liam. I have from the moment his cells started dividing and of course when he comes I will want him more than anything in the world. But, for right now, I just want to stop time. Keep my life like it is. Hide in a cave. Anything other than be responsible for a tiny, new little life that is entirely dependent on me.
I am scared. I'm not specifically scared about any one thing. I think just of the extraordinary change that will happen. I find myself wishing I'd done this when I was 18--before I had become set in my ways. Before I was used to my life just like it is.
I felt the same way about my marriage and that worked out. It was seemless. As if it were always so. I'm sure the baby will be the same. But its just so flippin scary.
And those people who say time slows down as you get closer to the time when your baby will come? Well it isn't for me. It seems to be on fast forward. This is largely a good thing since I am so physically miserable--although I'm trying to enjoy every single last bump of my flesh while I can. But at the same token I feel like I need more time to deal with this. With the fact that I'm no longer praying that a pregnancy will stick. It is so hard to think beyond pregnancy when all my focus has been on willing him to live. And now my life, in the space of a few hours of surgery will flip.
Every now and again my breath gets caught in my throat and I feel panicked, that will probably be my state for the rest of my life. If we consider how neurotic I was with this pregnancy--can you imagine how I'll be when he falls out of a tree or off of his bike or wants to walk to the store?
7 comments:
Kether, I can't believe you are 1 week away from meeting Liam!! I am sure that your feelings are normal as you anticipate the "big day". Hang-in there & Best wishes, Cara A
Oh honey, what you're feeling is perfectly normal. Part of the reason I think I'm just so stuck on being pregnant is that being a mom scares the shit out of me! Of course the other 2/3 is terrified something bad will go wrong with the pregnancy since I've started to accept it.
You will be a WONDERFUL mom~ Liam is one lucky li'l boy! It will be seamless like the marriage... maybe a few snags...(like everyone) but seamless! Hang in there!
Kether,
I've been lurking on your site for a while now and your post today has made me come out of the woodwork. You're going to be an excellent mother. Those that don't spend the time you have readying the nursery and the rest of your life to welcome this new little life are the ones that should worry. Liam is lucky to have a mom like you!
Rosanne
Just think of the joy he's going to bring into your life! More than you can imagine. Everything's going to be alright! Hurray for you. wynn
Like we would ever really think that you don't want Liam in your life! No way! You are going to make an awesome mom and it would probably be strange if you didn't feel scared and didn't want time to stop to catch your breath. You're in for a huge change in less than a week, but one that I think will be more wonderful than we can even imagine. :)
Oh, yeah. Perectly normal. And it doesn't end! You get them home and are immediately consumed with a whole new set of fears, ugh!
It'll all be fine, trust me. You're gonna make a great Mum. You just slipstream into it. You'll be amazed at how naturally it comes to you. :)
-Blue (http://www.hill-liles.com/thriftymom.htm)
Ok, first of all, it is so normal for you to be feeling this way. And second of all, I'm right there with you, Babe!!!! I had a freak out moment this weekend!
Enjoy the last few days of your pregnancy. This time that you have with Liam in your womb is very special.
And then, before you know it, you will be holding him in your arms!! It's everything that we've been waiting for, Kether!! It's wonderful and exciting and absolutely terrifying, isn't it??!!!
You are such a great Mommy. You already love that little guy with all your heart. The rest will come with time and practice. And I know that you'll be great.
(((Hugs)))
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